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Overcoming my hatred for breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is the mother of all topics when your pregnant. You get asked the same question over and over again from your doctor, family, friends, and even complete strangers, “are you going to breastfeed?”

Before I go any further, I’m going to go ahead and make one thing clear. I am 100% pro “fed is best.” This post is in no way meant to offend or put down those who couldn’t or did not choose to breastfeed.

This is my story and journey through breastfeeding...

Here's the deal, I've never been fond of the idea of breastfeeding. The thought of having a baby attached to my boob just never sounded glamorous. Of course, when I got older and understood the benefits and the purpose of breastfeeding I decided it would be something I'd at least attempt when the time came. I knew even before I became pregnant that breastfeeding is and can be hard, but it wasn’t until I had my own baby that I fully understood what all went into breastfeeding.
Establishing a proper latch is the first thing to learn when breastfeeding and my son and I didn’t have many issues in that department. However, I sat in a hospital room for two days before my son was even born and then two additional days after. It was in the middle of winter and along with the air being dry, the hospital was also dry. My nipples became chapped, sore, and one even cracked, so though my son had a proper latch it was still painful to nurse him and nipple cream became my best friend. Even after my nipples healed, I was still having pain that continued after my milk fully came in. The researcher that I am concluded that my son and I might have thrush. At this point I had enough of this pain and began doubting if breastfeeding was worth it. I would start to cry everytime my son started to act hungry and literally sit on my couch in the middle of the night yelling for my husband to “just go get formula!” I felt like my son was always attached to me and I was sick of the pain. I remember pulling up google one night and typing in the search box “I hate breastfeeding.” What I was looking to find I'm not entirely sure. I think I just wanted to get it off my chest that I HATED BREASTFEEDING!!!! What I did find though was tons of other new moms also saying how much they disliked breastfeeding and it actually gave me comfort knowing I wasn’t alone. Our thrush did heal after some medications, but then the exhaustion set in and I just wanted some damn sleep again. My son was introduced to a bottle at about 2 weeks old and he took any kind that we offered him like a champ. However, one weekend when I just wanted a break from nursing him, I attempted to pump and bottle feed him, except this time he refused. He literally wouldn’t take a single bottle no matter who tried to feed him! I bought what I felt like one of every type of bottle on the market and he refused them all. When your infant won’t take a bottle that means mommy never gets a break. No extended time away from the screaming, pooping, and always hungry baby. I HAD ENOUGH! I would cry and say that I was quiting and maybe if I never gave him the boob again, that he would eventually give into the bottle. My husband really pushed me to continue breastfeeding and though that annoyed me at the time, I am grateful he did. Breastfeeding eventually became second nature and issue free around the two month mark.

I’ve now breast fed my son for almost 13 months. We have day weaned and are currently working on night weaning. I’m ready to be done, but looking back I’m so proud of myself for sticking through it.

So how do I feel about breastfeeding now?
I still am not 100% thrilled with it. I think that yes there are conveniences that come with breastfeeding, like not having to wait for a bottle to heat up in the middle of the night while your baby is screaming bloody murder. There are also inconveniences like having to pump milk (like a cow) just so you can spend a few hours without baby and having a small human literally sucking the life out of you. I’m semi kidding on that last part. I'm just grateful I was able to do it, but I’m really ready to get my boobs back! Haha!

Every moms journey with breastfeeding is different. Many women have a much harder time than I did. There are so many factors that can cause a mom to have to stop breastfeeding. I feel I had it easy compared to others I’ve heard from. My son wasn’t tongue or lip tied, he wasn’t a spitter upper, he had a proper latch, and he got the hang of how to nurse quite easily. I was also able to stay home for the first year of my sons life, so pumping wasn’t a necessity, which I believe probably makes nursing easier.

Some words for other moms and moms to be...

To the pregnant mom to be,
Do your research! Honestly, reading articles and tips from other moms really helped me! I knew what to look for to see that my son had a good latch, I knew some different positions to use and some other tid bits that helped! There is nothing to fully prepare you for becoming a mom and learning to breastfeed. Every baby and situation is different, but I think going into it with some knowledge of what to expect is great.

To the mom up right now crying while they nurse their baby, got this! Breastfeeding in the beginning is one of the hardest challenges I’ve had to overcome and doubting my ability and strength to continue was a daily battle. Keep trucking along! Seek help when needed! Ask for tips from your fellow mom friends! Don’t put yourself down and also don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t let anyone make you feel less of a mom if you decide to stop breastfeeding! Your child being fed is the most important thing no matter what the source is! Your doing great and you should be proud of yourself! Being a mom is hard shit! Oh, and have a glass of wine!


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